A Messy End to 2019

I should do an end of year review, but it's a big job and as much as I had hoped to have lots of time to get things done over the holiday, having the kids around means I don't focus as much as I would like. 

I'm still trying to edit my collection, I have a pile of forms I need to fill out for my son's therapy support and I need to go over my numbers for my submissions and publications as I sometimes log things wrong, have to chase up long-held submissions or miss publications like my two poems recently published at Nine Muses Poetry. There's more application forms waiting in the wings.

I started on the forms this morning, but because they're in Finnish they take so much more attention that I can give with the kids hovering about, so I took them swimming and nothing's been done since. It doesn't help I'm in that post-Christmas fog where I don't know what day it is. I don't want to go out, but don't want the kids to stay in all day. I'm fitting in bits here and there, but lots of things are slipping through the cracks, I really just need a whole day on my own to sort through things and finish something or at least get on top of the constant slipping pile. It will all get done somehow, bit by bit, but it won't be pretty or organised or run smoothly. 

Every year for Christmas I make a photo book of favourite pictures of the kids and our year, so I can be reminded of the good things, the fun we had. As soon as I click print, I come across another memory I want to add or I take photos that should be there. I will add them to next year's book, but it's a nice reminder that things keep moving on and that there will always be something more. 

The end of the year, a messy, difficult year. I'm already looking forward to 2020, so many things I want to do, need to do, challenges to face and pleasures to grasp. 

I can't wait to get out of 2019 and say, I've survived it.

Going Home

First day of holiday and the kids and I have started the gingerbread house, made our annual Christmas decorations and I've lost my patience with their fighting, but I haven't written a line of poetry or done any editing on my collection. I've done none of my poetry reading either, so no review this week. This impossible balancing act of life and art. Even when work is taken out of the mix, I can't keep on top of it all. Tomorrow, we need to get out of the house, so I need to try and fit in some work in the morning or afterwards. I must get back into the habit.

When my babies were little and we were struggling with their sleep habits I read somewhere that it takes six times as long to break a habit than to make it. It's so easy to not write a poem a day, not squeeze in the time to write or edit around work, but to build up that habit again is more of a struggle. It requires force of willpower to not take the easy route and turn on the telly after the kids go to bed, to not stare at a screen without writing something useful on it. 

So I've cracked open the collection tonight, stepping into the cold Scottish rain again of my poems, the hard gray stone and cups of tea. The images I draw together for the cover. Wool and sand, loch and Glasgow streets. Touching the words I've written again. It's like going home.

I'm looking forward to seeing this chapbook, but there's a sense of regret to finish it, to close the book on things I've been working on for almost two decades. Also to not be publishing the whole collection, though these are my favourite poems from it. And the poems I'm not publishing are more difficult to face just now, stepping back into the muddied waters of my old relationship which I'm happy not to ford just now.

I'm moving slowly back into the words, to find my way through them again. 

Getting Through the December Slog

I've been substituting most of the week for a class of first graders with a couple of high need kids and even though it's only half days compared to working with middle school, it's much more exhausting physically and mentally, so you can imagine that I haven't had much chance to write or think poetry.

I did spend some time on the free stock photos sites, trying to come up with images that could be used for my poetry book cover or at least inspire my editor to find a cover. It's strange, I don't have any clear ideas for a cover image, but I do have a mood board type of thing with images I conjure up when I think of my Finnish collection. It has actually been a bit of a time suck, but requires less mental energy that doing a final read through/edit of the collection. I hope to get everything pretty much sorted to send to the editor during the Christmas break.

Except maybe the author photo, I'm chickening out on contacting the photographer who offered to do it, in the hope that she contacts me. I'm out of spoons for that particular endeavour. But it might be easier to organise in the new year after the kids go back to school or so I'm telling myself as an excuse.

My hard copy of Abridged: Kassandra has arrived and it's more beautiful than the virtual copy, each image really accentuates it's accompanying poem and the paper quality really feels good in my hands. It's a pleasure to flip through and read the poetry selected. Definitely worth supporting this venture. 

And this week I've read Melissa Fu's Falling Outside Eden by Hedgehog Press. It's a lovely, gentle collection, a conversation sometimes urgent, sometimes full of acceptance or regret at untenable situations. I founds myself totally lost in those moments, in small beauties of eating watermelon or watching snow fall, the deeper well of watching a relationship fail. The collection allows us to enter Eden, knowing from the beginning it will eventually fall apart. Subtly crafted and weighty with beautiful language, another smashing collection from the Hedgehog.

The last week before Christmas, so much to do and no energy to accomplish most of it. I hope this time of year is not being too tough on you. 

Edging Towards a New Year

Though I dread Christmas for various reasons, I'm looking forward to this year being over. It's been long and tough and I'd like to start with a clean slate without everything negative it contains hanging over me. I'm not big on making resolutions, but this year feels like a good chance to start fresh.

A few years ago some friends set up 'A new year, a new you', a group where we were accountable to each other for our drives to improve our health. We reported weekly and encouraged each other when we felt ourself lagging. It wasn't just healthy eating and exercise, but also kept track of our mental health, sleep routines, special projects and time for ourselves. I feel like I need to do something like that again, to make an attempt to focus my energy and limited time in the best way. I may need to dig out that old spread sheet and start a new challenge. I'd like to get back into yoga, keep up my as often as possible daily prompts for poetry, get back on my gluten free, low-card diet as it's the only way I keep control of my weight. 

I'll also keep trying to get published as much as possible. I took Robin Houghton's great submission list and figured out where I had been accepted before and where I was currently awaiting decisions until I came up with a bunch of magazines I could send to before the end of the year. I fired off a few and got a rejection after three days, followed by an acceptance also submitted on the same day. Feels slightly unreal compared to the magazines that take six months or more. Or don't bother to respond at all.  I've had an accept or two this week and my poem 'Signs' recently published in the magazine London Grip.

A new thing I'm going to try here. As part of the Hedgehog Press 'Cult' subscription, I get free copies of their publications and we're encouraged to write reviews of them. I've fallen behind, just because of life, but I'm going to try to include one or two in my blogs as often as I can. 

The first collection I read was Saudade by Nigel Kent. His poems flicker between a multitude characters, mothers of lost children, a disappointed father and son, a recovering stroke patient, the young, the old, male and female, each carefully crafted and individual. Their voices resonate, sometimes desperate, edging towards hysteria, sometimes having given up, all burrowing into the reader's mind. I found myself immersed in each character. So impressive how he managed to step into so many shoes and give us such a strong sense of their desires and frustrations. The book is beautifully done.  

And onto another week. 

Short, but Sweet Steps into Winter

With a snap of an icy finger, we have a sprinkling of snow which is enough to lift the mood by brightening the scene. The dark, rainy days of winter are always tough as we come to this end of the year. The sun has set in Northern Finland for the next five weeks or so and even down south we feel the oppressive weight of the days getting shorter and shorter. So as much as I hate snow and, yes, I realise I'm living in the wrong place for that attitude, it does help allieviate the darkness. So far we have enough for the kids to go sledging and it's melted off the paths and drive, so I don't have to shovel, so that's enough for me. 

What's that to do with poetry? It puts me in a more wintery mood, than the damp leafless scenes we've had the past few weeks. Wendy Pratt is running a one-week winter poetry course, if anyone is looking for a short, but sweet exploration of winter. And it costs only a tenner. I'd do it, but I'm behind with the previous course, so want to focus on that. Her daily prompts whether visual, other poet's work or just short suggestions and ideas are great jump starts for the poetic brain. 

And if you're looking for a wee Christmas gift, grab a copy of the Hedgehog Press' poetry calendar, including my poem 'The Last Drops of September'. Pre-orders being taken here and you can also take advantage of poetry bundles, the calendar with a selection of new pamphlets or collections from the press. The calendar is really lovely, a great mix of images and poetry, and I can't wait to see it for real. 

I doubt I'll get much poetry done today though. There's a wee hangover hanging over me from last night's St Andrew's Day Ceilidh. I'm happy just to chill and enjoy the sunshine with the cat, so this will also be short, but sweet. Enjoy.