Collecting the Collections

Another long day summer and another attempt to clear the desk I bought to do my writing. It overlooks the back of the house, a stretch of lilacs and a tree that leans too close. My girls regularly take it over with their art supplies and projects. I get driven away and it becomes unusable until I clear it off again. I scraped the blobs of paint, dumped their work on their beds for them to clear, brought back my trinkets; a bog cat, a couple of Lewis chessmen, though the queen is missing. 

There is a pile of books I didn't get around reading from last summer that I probably won't make it through this summer. A bright blue canvas that demands to be finished, but I'm no artist so it stands as inspiration. It's all tidy and organised now, but it won't last. I have this weekend before the girls return and realise what a nice spot it is to work at. 

Now that I've given up (temporarily?) the thought of getting a collection published, I'm going through my 'collections' and adding back all the poems I edited out. Poems that were removed because they weren't 'good' enough, there wasn't enough space for them to be included in a realistically publishable book, they retold a story or touched on a similar theme already established or they just didn't quite make the cut. Poems I love, that tell the story I want to tell, capture the time the collection is about. Poems that deserve to be read, if only by me again. 

I've found poems in my first collection, poems in my Retired Poems and Spare Poems folders and in old versions of the collection that were lost over time and brought them together. I've printed the first set out, 160 pages. Crazy, I've forgotten so many of them. Rereading, stepping back into those moments is a wonderful way to waste a rainy afternoon. The pubs that I visited, people I've lost touch with or just lost, solo journeys I took, times before I was a partner, a mother, my youth, my inexperience. My glory days merging into real life. 

I'm boring so at the moment I just have them separated into the Scotland poems, the Finnish poems, the love poems. There are probably other exciting themes I haven't delved into yet like My Childhood. The themes are so loose which allows me to collect more poems together. I'm not looking for something sellable, just a version of how I see my life and my work. It feels like a biography or another diary. Between my journals, my writing notebooks, my poems and their drafts I write so much. I've been writing obsessively for 30+ years, and it piles up.

Oh, how I want to edit some of the ones published in my first collection. My style has changed a lot. I used to love piling on the adjectives. I probably still do, I just hope I'm more subtle. I'm making notes on the print-outs, but I'm unsure if I'll change much. I love to edit, but these feel like they should stay in my old voice. There's nothing wrong with her, she's just not me anymore. 

So I have a pile of printouts on my newly cleared desk I'm not sure what I'll do with and I'm sitting back on the couch, writing under a blanket because the temps have dropped. Best laid plans . . .

Writing for No Reward

Summer is finally here and we've finally got a decent burst of rain, so everything is greening up. 

School has been finished for a week and it's such a relief. With a summer school course I'm teaching at the end of the month and two qualification programmes I'm starting I still feel like I have so much to do, but without structure of having to get up super early and work for someone else. I set my own schedule, work at my own pace and in my own home, even in my jammies if I feel like it. Every day slows down and stretches out, but still slips by too fast. 

One week down, I try not to think about it, but it ticks deceptively quiet in my head, just below the surface of thought. What can I complete in a week? My washing machine was finally fixed after several weeks of being broken, so I've accomplished a mountain of laundry and I'm still at it. Bedding today.

I've mowed the grass, filled the veg boxes at the plot and planted out some strawberries, corn and courgettes. I've written my course contact day reflection, read the study circle article and written some notes, started writing my school backgrounds for my programmes. I've updated my course material for the summer school, had the pre-meeting with the students. I've washed a big rug which took too many tools and too much time. Two to go. Life in the fast lane.

I've written poetry; scribbled notes, half lines. I always think I need more time to write and when I have it, it suddenly seems hard to focus. But this week I sketched a poem about students finding my poetry on the internet. They've googled me which seems a waste, but  there's definitely worse things out there. The fact that they chanted lines of my poetry back at me on the last day of school as some kind of taunt just tickled me. I had to write about it. They read poetry willingly, even memorised it. That has to be something to be proud of. 

There is so little to talk about with my writing just now. My desire to write doesn't match my motivation. I've only submitted 9 times this year, halfway through the year. That is a big turnaround from when I used to try and make at least 100 submissions in a year, so I could get 100 rejections and hopefully a decent amount of acceptances. See previous post here. It worked, but required a lot of effort and time. 

Now I just fill pages, in my notebook, electronically. It's where I get the most enjoyment, but I can't help feeling I should keep trying to get published more in journals and work to get a collection out. It was my goal for decades, but now I have so much else going on and I just don't find it rewarding. I don't write to be published, don't need to be read, so why do I keep trying? 

Habit, I guess, or the vague hope that it will happen. To be honest, I barely believe that any more. I know I can get into journals, but my collections are going nowhere. Waiting for years while the publisher who accepted my collection published all his regulars and dozens of other people and just made excuses to keep me on the bottom his to-be-published list killed my hope. And the 37 rejections for my collections I've racked up in the past 5 years.

My desire to try and get published may be almost gone, but not my love of writing. So in between lesson planning, coursework, piles of laundry, mowing, feeding and negotiating with my kids, I try to write poetry. I play with words and images, I attempt to capture my moments in this world on the page. 

And I don't press publish on this blog to reach the masses or even a trickle of readers, but for myself. To see the entries sketch my thoughts across the years, to document my highs and lows, my random thoughts, my cycling through the seasons. 

I write to find my way through.

I guess that is enough for now.