I'm not writing much anymore. I can go months without opening one of my poetry files and tinkering with an old, half-written piece or even consider starting a new one.
Which makes me more than sad. I can't even call myself a writer anymore. I don't do anything except take care of the kids. I know I'm more than a mum, I'm just not doing it now.
I'm trying to write again, but I don't know if it's any good, if I'm saying the same thing over and over, not even bothering to rid myself of cliches. My work isn't getting accepted to publication, even the older stuff. Not that I've been trying very hard to get things published. Every few months I send to a few magazines. The same poems pushed wanly out into the dark sea only to wash back up on my shore, unloved.
I'm out of the loop. I don't know who the big names are in British poetry anymore, Scottish poetry. I see a few familiar ones pop up on websites, names I used to know, work with. But who are the bright hot young stars? Where is the best places to be published now?
I haven't even tried to get myself into the Finnish writing scene, because I'm sure the language would be a huge barrier. Or maybe it wouldn't, writers do exchanges all the time and work around the languages. Just an excuse? Probably.
Have I resigned myself to being just a mum? Is it temporary? I've taken time off before for the kids, especially when they're young and feeding all the time. Can I pull myself out of a 4 year lapse? Am I willing to even try?
It's simple what I need to do. I tell every student I've ever had: write. Be present, put in the time. Sit down and write as much crap as you need to until the good stuff bubbles to the surface. Show up and write. Everyday
I can't even blame my blogs. I barely use this one and the other I mainly post photos on. It's me, allowing the exhaustion and mundane necessities to pile up. They're important, they're real obstacles to overcome, but I know I can get over them. With a bit of effort.
So I need to write. I need to set myself a half hour goal a day and work on upping it. Write anything to begin with, but aim for my poetry again. Awaken my writer's brain.
Be present. Write.