Another long day summer and another attempt to clear the desk I bought to do my writing. It overlooks the back of the house, a stretch of lilacs and a tree that leans too close. My girls regularly take it over with their art supplies and projects. I get driven away and it becomes unusable until I clear it off again. I scraped the blobs of paint, dumped their work on their beds for them to clear, brought back my trinkets; a bog cat, a couple of Lewis chessmen, though the queen is missing.
There is a pile of books I didn't get around reading from last summer that I probably won't make it through this summer. A bright blue canvas that demands to be finished, but I'm no artist so it stands as inspiration. It's all tidy and organised now, but it won't last. I have this weekend before the girls return and realise what a nice spot it is to work at.
Now that I've given up (temporarily?) the thought of getting a collection published, I'm going through my 'collections' and adding back all the poems I edited out. Poems that were removed because they weren't 'good' enough, there wasn't enough space for them to be included in a realistically publishable book, they retold a story or touched on a similar theme already established or they just didn't quite make the cut. Poems I love, that tell the story I want to tell, capture the time the collection is about. Poems that deserve to be read, if only by me again.
I've found poems in my first collection, poems in my Retired Poems and Spare Poems folders and in old versions of the collection that were lost over time and brought them together. I've printed the first set out, 160 pages. Crazy, I've forgotten so many of them. Rereading, stepping back into those moments is a wonderful way to waste a rainy afternoon. The pubs that I visited, people I've lost touch with or just lost, solo journeys I took, times before I was a partner, a mother, my youth, my inexperience. My glory days merging into real life.
I'm boring so at the moment I just have them separated into the Scotland poems, the Finnish poems, the love poems. There are probably other exciting themes I haven't delved into yet like My Childhood. The themes are so loose which allows me to collect more poems together. I'm not looking for something sellable, just a version of how I see my life and my work. It feels like a biography or another diary. Between my journals, my writing notebooks, my poems and their drafts I write so much. I've been writing obsessively for 30+ years, and it piles up.
Oh, how I want to edit some of the ones published in my first collection. My style has changed a lot. I used to love piling on the adjectives. I probably still do, I just hope I'm more subtle. I'm making notes on the print-outs, but I'm unsure if I'll change much. I love to edit, but these feel like they should stay in my old voice. There's nothing wrong with her, she's just not me anymore.
So I have a pile of printouts on my newly cleared desk I'm not sure what I'll do with and I'm sitting back on the couch, writing under a blanket because the temps have dropped. Best laid plans . . .


