Turned Inward But Moving Forward

Everyone is shell-shocked from the recent election. I kind of expected it, but to be honest, I can't summon up much emotion towards its aftermath. 

I've been on this slide into disbelief, dismay and depression after most elections since the Scottish Independence Referendum in 2014. Even the Tories being ousted this year felt hollow as I knew Labour wasn't going to do anything differently, and the SNP faced significant losses. 

Now, I just kind of hang around in the numb depression area when it comes to politics and society. I can't summon up hope in the run-up and don't feel the raging disappointment others feel when it all goes badly. 

I don't have the energy really, my personal plate is full. I'm balancing so many things for my kids, my own four and the sixty-plus I care for at school. Their needs are my full-time job, my focus is always turned towards them.

And then on the way home from work last week, I received a phone call that dropped another weight onto the pile. A small bump on my nose was found to be skin cancer. I've had it for years, but it was beginning to grow and change so I wanted it removed as it's ugly and annoying to me. Both the doctor and I were surprised by the results. 

I wrote this two years ago when I had a biopsy for a lump in my breast, a much bigger concern that turned out to be nothing:

Foreign, just a speck of sand,

an irritation within my shell.

Pearl of blackened rot

or a quiet multiplication of cells.

I imagine it spreads,

infestation

like an explosion of ants

crawling into every crevice.

Meanwhile, this other lump was growing. I'm sure it's nothing major, it's so tiny, but it'll be another pile of appointments and concerns to add to the list. 

So with all that's going on in the world, selfishly I've turned my thoughts inward even more, towards the people I care for and even towards myself for a change. I just have to keep moving forward, holding so much afloat, as if there is a future for my kids worth moving towards. To give them the foundation and the skills to keep moving forward themselves. 

And poetry is left to fall between the cracks of all that. In the summer, my editor said we would try to get my book out in November and, of course, I haven't heard from him since. After 5 years, I can no longer summon any enthusiasm for his promises. My other collections have been declined by 15 other publishers this year, yet I submitted to another publisher this week. 

I keep on writing, slowly though my belief in my publishability is low. Though I continue to half-hope, that is not the goal. It's pulling the feelings, memories, worries and love out in words that keeps me afloat. I work out my thoughts in my journals or in my poems. It doesn't matter if they get published really, though I would like to be able to share my work. So I'll continue to send my poems out and continue to write a blog that few read. It's better than letting the thoughts bump around the echo chamber of my mind.

I'd like to be able to say I ended that poem above with a hopeful message, a chink of light, but it ended like this:

After a season, an offering,
benign,
a word of chalk and bone,
crumbling beneath my heel. 

In the silence that remains,
a twitch of worry
still worms
beneath my surface.

I'm positive about the whole thing, it'll be a pain to sort, but I don't believe it's a serious issue, just another thing to deal with that will get dealt with.

'What Grows in the Dark' was recorded with the Helsinki Writers Group at Helsinki Open Waves back in 2022, though their audio doesn't seem to work now, this link does. It's lovely hearing those poems again. 

2022 Writing Review

I thought when I finished my course (I finished my course!!!) and handed in that last assignment I'd have more time to do things that had been shuffled aside these last three months and for most of 2022 really. But here I am three weeks later and I feel like I'm still struggling to get on with things. I'm unsure if it's a lack of motivation, the lack of a whip encouraging me to move forward or the fact that we're still buried under a dark and snowy winter here in Finland that's holding me back. 

It's taken me a week to even write this entry, but here it is, halfway through  January and I'm just looking at my submission and writing stats for 2022. 

34 new poems written  

84 submissions to journals or other opportunities

4 books submissions

66 rejections

4 book rejections

28 acceptances

53 poems published in 26 publications 

15 blog posts   

Acceptance rate: 32% 

Compared to 2021:

61 new poems

144 submissions to journals or other opportunities

3 book submissions

108 rejections 

5 book rejections

38 acceptances 

68 poems were published in 39 publications

21 blog posts

Acceptance rate: 26%

I submitted and wrote less, so I didn't hit my 100 rejection goal. However, my acceptance rate has jumped up again and I've had a couple of exciting projects over the year. This includes lots of audio work: my iamb poetry page, working with the Helsinki Writers to produce a poetry recording with Helsinki Open Waves and the Eat the Storms poetry podcast.

I've also had work included in Fevers of the Mind, Sunday Mornings at the River, Empty House Press, Black Nore Review, Scrawl Place, Frogmore Papers, Fly on the Wall, The Martello and Black Bough among others. Of course, my poetry collection still wasn't published, but I'm trying not to think about that. 

A few books that I've read and enjoyed in 2022: 

Karen Campbell's Paper Cup. A total surprise that I picked up in Helsinki. I knew nothing about it but saw the author had worked at the Glasgow City Council, so I was intrigued. The characters were so well-drawn and engaging, and the story was unexpected and fun. I loved the settings of Glasgow and Galloway, the use of Scots that fit so well. The story is a "stramash of memories" for the main character and me, going through Glasgow and university life around the same time I was there. Really worth reading.

I rattled through the three Laidlaw books by William McIlvanney and loved them. Crime novels with a depth of character and Glasgow sketched in such a beautifully realistic way, totally captivating. I also read Docherty which was an insightfully written family saga, but it just didn't grab me in the same way though I could see McIlvanney's deft skill in many places. 

Another fave was Merryn Glover's Of Stone and Sky based on a community in the Cairngorms. My reviews of some of these books can be seen in my Scottish Book Tour posts starting here.

I have a pile of poetry books to read, but they require more focus than I've had recently, so I hope to get back into reading them more now that my course is out of the way. 

2023 is a year of getting back into the things I love. The course was for my work. I enjoyed it, but it was more to help me move forward in my job and do better for my school kids. Writing is for me, so I hope to focus on that more. A few plans are crawling into motion, so I'll see how they pan out and keep looking for new opportunities. 

Welcome to 2023. Enjoy. 

Zineton and Scotstober 2022

This weekend feels a bit like the last hurrah. University starts soon and I know any free time I have will be focussed on that. The weather is beautifully autumnal, leaves glowing with sunlight as if it's putting all their energy into one last show. It's infusing the poems I'm trying to write. And I'm writing which hasn't happened much lately. 

This weekend is Zineton, a 48-hour challenge to create a zine. Helsinki Writers are having their second go at it. I've discovered a fun AI art site Wombo which is making it even more interesting as I really don't have any talent for visual art. So I'm writing a couple of poems for that and waiting for the other writers to send me their work. Then the rush to put everything together begins. 

One of my pieces is inspired by #scotstober, which introduces one new Scots word every day in October. I also joined in that challenge last year where I found poems or snippets of poetry that used the Word of the Day and expanded it to share a bit about the writers. Here's a link to the first of a series of blogs where I shared my Twitter posts and more information.   This year I don't think I'll have the time for that. The poem I'm writing in Scots doesn't use the words but is inspired by them. I'll maybe write a line on Twitter about the WotD when I remember. 

And to finish off, here's a link to the recording of members of Helsinki Writers (Leah Martin, Csilla Csépke, Saara Kahra and Gerry Stewart) reading their poems on the theme of Under the Surface. Thanks to the support of Helsinki Open Waves and CAISA where the poems were recorded. It was an amazing experience for the group. 

The Switch from Summer to Autumn

Summer's heat is lingering here in Finland, but autumn is coming up fast. Cooler mornings, the birch turning gold overnight, geese starting to move on in long, noisy threads. My favourite season, but it's always tinged here with the knowledge that winter won't be far behind and will last too long. I should probably get out and do something in the nice weather while it lasts, but there are never enough hours in the weekend.

Being back at work has meant I've fallen out of the habit of writing regularly. I don't have the time to write every day, so I end up spending a lot of the weekend catching up. I've sat down this weekend with no ideas and haven't produced anything, unsurprisingly. Ideas come to me easier when I spend a little time writing, if not daily, regularly. I've edited, submitted and generally sorted some things, but I miss having something new percolating in my head. I'm unfocused and tired from doing too many other things, including 4 parent-teacher conferences in one evening. Hopefully, I'll be back in the swing of writing next weekend.

This week, I've also dealt with the recording the Helsinki Writers Group is doing for Helsinki Open Waves, liaising with the technician and the 3 other poets. I can't wait to hear the final product, it sounded so cool even without embellishments, but the technician was going to try and add a soundscape behind our poems. 

We had a rough theme, Below the Surface, but we each went our own way with it. When we brought them together there were overlaps and echoes of each other's work that we hadn't planned or expected. It can be a repeated phrase or image or sound though all the poems' subjects are very different. We shared our work briefly in the writing and editing stage and I find those chats often bring a poem to fruition. What you can't quite reach alone is nurtured through sharing it with others. The group has a few poets now, after a long time of me being the only one and these collaborations are so much fun. 

I've also been recording a poem this weekend on my own for The Storms Journal. I have a poem in the first issue which is currently being launched. It's not easy to record at home when you have 3 kids around and cats who are either yowling, chasing things about or have decided mid-poem is an excellent time to purr on your lap. The free online launch is on 10 September. Join us. 

I'm getting used to recording myself, not as bothered by the sound of my own voice. Still not keen on it, but I don't cringe now unless I make a clanger of a mistake live. I haven't done a live reading or open mic in ages. Need to find one, maybe with my writing group. 

Back to Busy Catch-up

It was the first full week back to school for the students. My 6th graders learning the ropes for middle school has been a bit hectic. I still don't have a schedule, as a teaching assistant, so I'm left to my own devices mostly to decide where I should be. I'll hopefully get my schedule this week. 

The weather has been crazy hot this week, like much of Europe. Finland's not used to reaching 30C in August. Thunderstorms are promised for today, but it's still clear blue out there. Need to go water my allotment. 

I recorded three poems with Helsinki Open Waves recently as part of a project with Helsinki Writers Group.  This weekend I have been going through my takes, choosing how to put the poems together. I'm getting used to hearing myself read my work, but I'm not sure if I'm very good at it yet. I usually only need three takes to get a decent read-through, though we're lucky that the audio technician is happy to cut and paste bits together so I don't need a perfect take. What I'm still learning is how to emphasise the poem and read it with some expression that suits the words. It's strange to hear something that you put so much energy into that by the end your body was a tense mess and to realise it didn't come across the airwaves like it sounded in your head. Hopefully, he'll be able to make it sound better with a bit of tinkering. HOW still has an open call for recording slots for anyone in the Helsinki area. They've been brilliant to work with and so patient with our problems with getting 4 people times to record and a case of Covid. 

Book review: I'm still reading through my Scottish books and I picked up another Darkland Tales book, this time Rizzio by Denise Mina. I knew a bit about the story behind Mary Queen of Scotland and David Rizzio's death from a teenage obsession, but this fleshed out the tale in every way. While I didn't enjoy it as much as Hex, the previous Darkland Tale I read, I really enjoyed seeing this piece of history brought to life, hearing the layers behind the conspiracy. I look forward to the next Darkland Tale and will keep an eye out for more titles by Denise Mina. 

Still waiting for my copy of The Storms journal to cross the Baltic, but I've seen posts on Twitter that it's making its way to contributors. Can't wait to have a look. 

The Sealey Challenge isn't happening. I'm just too tired after school and dealing with my own kids. I have a pile of poetry books to get through, so will try after I finish the book I'm currently reading. 

Enjoy the late summer heat. It won't last.